looking back, looking forward, trying to be in the moment.

we move on at break neck speed to 2012!

man, it's already februrarury. i can never adjust to the fact that every single year seems to go by even faster than the previous year. i can't believe that essentially, i spent an entire year focusing on school and work. never thought that would be me. i'm certainly not complaining, it was a great year, but i just look back and feel like so much of my time shouldve been devoted to finding and cementing lasting relationships. i watched a tv show called 'how i met your mother' and they were discussing passing the 'porch test.' whether you could see yourself hanging out on your porch with your friend when youre an old geezer. these are the people i want to gift my time to from now on. seems obvious, but for some reason in the past 4 or so years i have just been enjoying meeting new people so much that i have hopped from group to group, and none of the groups have held onto me tight enough to keep me around. (again, im so grateful for all the people ive met, but i miss relationship depth)

ramblin!

anyways. 2011 afforded me the opportunity to do alot of great things. obviously i began nursing school, got two grants, and began playing gigs with my band. another pleasant surprise was that i got the chance to roommate with my brother. i guess i should recant a bit. in terms of family i really am happy with the way i made them a priority last year. i barely had free time, and when i could make it happen i would hang out with my nephews, evan and liam, who are hands down the cutest kids ever made. sorry every other person ever born! and i've had a blast over the last year realizing how much i care for my sister and brother in law. they are definitely porch worthy.

but anyways, yeah, i was just feeling pretty trapped in my mom's basement which is NOT an ego booster, and charlie offered to let me room with him for cheap. i jumped at the chance and we ended up having 6 great months. i've been pretty fortunate to room with a great majority of the favorite people in my life. there are defintely a few others who i would like to get to live with but having had the chance to live with carrie and nik, dan and jon, zack, (tom and mom) and now char...i just am really thankful for my living situations.

me and char had a great summer. we played music, we went running and biking, we had a twilight zone night most nights, we danced while doing dishes, we drank on the stoop with the neighbors (who got me through a really rough patch of time), we danced in the rain, we made unused music videos, and we even played a little floor hockey. i miss it already.

again, i feel i should recant my first paragraph a bit. while i need a small crew for my future porch, if i was able to have a st louis sized porch, i would keep everyone i know around. i have met some of the most sincere and beautiful souls these last couple years. i don't even have time to discuss all the funny and cool people i have met in school (jeff, erica, jenny, among others) and out on the town (dozens of people come to mind, you know who you are), but one of the more interesting groups was the improve anywhere crew. we started off just imagining some funny scenarios in 2010, and it blossomed into a group that was performing at shows and galleries, modeling for websites and retail shops, and even making the news! here's a sample of the modeling i got to do, hahah, that is just so funny to me...

http://stl-style.com/_product_62179/Cherokee_People

that's all of the exciting things, but there has been a few difficult moments for sure. my grandma's dementia condition finally got to the point where we had to move her into a safer facility. it has been a very difficult transition for all involved. my mom has sacrificed most of her free time finding a new place for gma, getting her settled, taking care of her, and preparing gma's possessions for sale. the patience and unconditional love my mom has in her is inspiring. that woman never stops teaching me! ...but yeah, i moved into gma's house while we clean it up. it has been a weird experience. i keep trying to be ready to say goodbye to this house, but every time i imagine leaving for good i get teary eyed. i love change, but i fucking hate change too. i wish we could move on and just freeze places and people so we could come back and visit when we feel lost. at least we have the technology of pictures i guess. but that's almost more sad than not being able to go back. there was just so many good memories at my gma's house... man im rambly today.

another happening has been nothing short of tragic. one of my favorite people in the world had to experience the passing of her husband, tony, who was one of the strongest and kindest men i've ever had the honor of meeting. i mean this wasnt just some nice guy. this guy was the definition of man. he was strong in every sense of the word. he was a marine, a climber, a drummer, and a cancer survivor. he was a writer, an engineer, an artist, a gentle and passionate husband, and even a poodle enthusiast. he kept his dignity while facing death, which seems to be the real test of character. the guy always made you feel like a million dollars (or whatever it is now with inflation). he ended up losing the battle with GVHD. i've seen it before with my mom's best friend. i will never understand why people die young. it makes everything a little more real. everything a little more finite and temporary. a little more precious. watching a man like tony succumb to death made me realize again that i need to wake up with more purpose. i need to be the best transporter i can be. i need to be the best brother/son/friend/lover i can be. i need to be the best student i can be. i just need to focus on living right now. i need to be grateful for every breath i get the pleasure of sucking in and pushing out. i need to be grateful for every smile, kiss, and conversation i get to experience. i want to hug everyone a little tighter and dig a little deeper into their lives. i want to savor every good sip of whiskey, every rainy day, every mind blowing melody, every warm blanket on a cold night with a little more conscious appreciation.

we are so. fucking. lucky. to be alive. is there a point to it all? is God pulling strings? will i be as healthy and happy and alive tomorrow? i can't say. but i do know i am feeling it right now from my brain to my fingers and all throughout. i am just so happy to be here, and i hope i can keep making the most of the little time i get left. here's to 2012, let's hope life keeps giving me new and unexpected experiences, lets hope i can start cementing porch relationships, and lets hope i keep waking up with a purpose and a hunger for life!

coolest gig yet

welp, i kinda gave up on the blog, clearly. it seems that like 2 people read it so its not worth devoting time that i dont have to keep it up to date. but today was just a really fun day i would like to remember so im going to document, and ill throw some cliffnotes in real quicklike.

over this year the band began playing shows! the first gig came when a friend who works at a bar asked us if we were playing still and if we wanted to open for someone. we quickly asked my brother charlie if he would be willing to learn the songs, and to my pleasant surprise he was excited about it! weve played about 7 shows in 4 different venue, and we have grown in leaps and bounds. charlie used to shake uncontrollably on stage and now he dances like the hippy free spirit he was meant to be. i used to be scared to look at an audience and now (when the audience is nice, anyways) i am free to be myself and joke around and talk! we even got my friend chris to start playing drums with us at shows, which really makes us sound like a true band.

i played a show with another band and sang one song. the owner of the venue (the firebird) later said to charlie that it was the best local vocal performance he had seen.

we finished our demo record and put it up for free download at arthurandthelibrarian.bandcamp.com we are too poor and busy at the moment but we fully plan on making a cd, and david deck will be getting the very first copy free of charge for his support and encouragement.

we already have a second albums worth of material and are thinking of saving up gig money and going to a real studio for this one.

we were asked to play at the xmas party for st louis' music magazine 'eleven' magazine! that should be quite fun.

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nursing school is going swimmingly so far! i just finished my third semester, and second semester of clinicals and am looooving it. i am connecting so well with my patients and learning more than i thought i would have at this point...still soooo much i dont know. nurses are amazing. i want to be a good nurse so bad.

we finished 'demos' this year, which was the most stress inducing portion of the schooling.

i am still transporting at st johns, but have recently approached a manager about becoming a nurses aid. im ready for the next step.

school has been so full of tough moments and information that at times i feel very fragile and will tear up at the silliest moments (im like one of those girls who starts crying at a hallmark commercial. its weird). this career is definitely going to give me a thick hide. ...seeing death is a weird experience. i dont have time to explain that in depth unfortunately...

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anyways, today is why im blogging. me and charlie had a gig of a different sort. we played and talked about music to a 2nd grade class at st. stephens. we had prepared 2 songs (cant buy me love, and charlie's jaguar and the fool song) and figured they would be bored after that. boy were we wrong! after our two songs and discussion, almost every kid raised their hand with questions. then they started requesting more songs! we played another song and answered another whirlwind of questions! then they asked for more songs! so we played impending doom. when they asked what the name of the song was charlie said, 'impending moon.' : ) then they asked for yet another song! we didnt have any songs ready that were really 2nd grade appropriate, so we played not in nottingham from the disney robin hood. i changed the lyrics on the fly to, 'cant there be some happiness for me? maybe at st steves.' : ) at that point we had been there about 50 minutes fielding questions and playing, so we said we had to go. some of the kids asked if we were on youtube and wanted to look us up (what? second graders?)

the class gathered round and we took a picture with them : ) a kid looked up at charlie and said, 'can i go home with you guys?' hearts=melted. then as we were putting our guitars away they all clapped and asked for more songs. many of them came up and gave us high fives while 3 of them came up nervously and gave me a hug. oy! more heart melting. one girl came up and said i should be a music teacher and that we were really good at music, and handed me a little piece of paper that said, "you are awsome, Aislin."

it was a good day.

fall semester, new year, tuition paid for, music progress

hah. well since the last time i posted a lot has happened. it is a new year, for starters. fall semester went swimmingly. it was quite easy and i met a handful of cool people who are joining me in nursing school, some of them even working at st johns. so its been a very supportive atmosphere, whenever im feeling lost i have a network to lean on.

im just gonna hit the highlights since my time is brief and im at bread co. i am actually on my new laptop that i got for xmas! i got it mainly to start working on song ideas while aubrey is away. however, me and aubs have still been playing music and recording whenever we are in the same town. we have an albums worth of songs done and will be making a cd soon titled, 'reverend white pigeon speaks on love and the end of the world.' and the cover art will be said pigeon courtesy of miss aubrey, who is quite the artist.

among her other skills, she is a talented networker and knows people at a radiostation in seattle, and a dj at loyolas college radio station. we were played on that station already and hope to get some more air time soon! so yeah, music is going great.

and though it would seem things cant get better, i found out some more wonderful news in this young new year. ive been communicating with a lady through missouri career sources ever since i was on unemployment, and she finally came through for me, and will be assisting me with the REST of my school bills! did i even talk about the labor grant? ohhh my lord. ok, so long story short, i got into a nursing program through the dept. of labor, and they are paying for 60% of my tuition. im not even going to talk about how my advisor didnt tell me about it, but suffice to say not only am i already into nursing school without having to be on any wait lists, i am getting everything. everything...paid for by the govt, because im broke. it seems like a sign from God that im heading in the right direction. before this all happened i could barely tie my shoes without asking someone for help (parents, friends) in areas i didnt understand. but now that ive decided what i want to do with my career, ive felt a weird new confidence that has made me a bit of a man of action. i wouldnt say this is in all areas of life, but its good to know im not completely useless.

those are the biiiig things in life, lots of fun stuff happening on the side, my brother moved into his own place, i started doing events with an improve group, i sold my car (which ive been trying to do for many months), and ive had quite a few fun roadtrips up to chicago.

heres a link to our website and to the radiostation that miiiight play our stuff again (on thursdays from 4-6) :

http://www.wix.com/howardaubrey/arthurandthelibrarian

http://wluw.org/ (click on the cloud at the top to listen)

summer school ending, 90 days at st johns, singing competition

well the last 3 months have been very busy but fruitful for sure.

i have my last class of the summer tomorrow and will end up with three A's in three classes. i cant believe i did so well in stats, but human growth psych and anatomy were both reeeeally awesome classes that i enjoyed immensely.

anatomy is just an amazing thing to learn in general. knowing the intricacies under the skin makes you feel more at one with your body (thats not the wording im looking for but thats the basic gist), and i really love to learn about it. for my last paper in psych i had to apply 12 learned concepts to a movie and i chose magnolia because i forgot about royal tennenbaums. but i had a blast breaking down the characters and got a 100 percent!

st johns has been quite an adventure. its been very somber this week (if you didnt hear, one of my coworkers was murdered in the parking garage...long story), and im glad for the weekend break to get outdoors and maybe go peach picking with charlie.

i had my 90 day orientation at st johns today. so far so great. love the atmosphere and the work. ive realized lately tho that my department is frustrating for me because i am walking by myself all day only passing my co workers in the halls. so it is tough to get to know people and make friends that way, and the few i have clicked with have changed depts. its a confusing question when people ask me if i like the job bc i do like everything about it, but at the same time i am left wanting that interaction each day.

i really crave relationship. i mean who doesnt? but its been a tough few months bc i feel miles away from any transparent intimacy. people have become too busy and crabby and all i want to do is share some love and interaction! gaaah.

what could be exacerbating (?) the problem is the fact that i just read dharma bums a few weeks ago, and the spirit of that book just makes me want to live! ray is all about sucking the marrow out of life. he travels he loves he drinks he writes and dances. i want all of that plus the responsibility. ...im really trying to teach myself to live in the present moment even more than i already do. the past and future can really distract me from the perfect day at hand if i dont make a conscience effort to smile. but i do.

in musical news, i turned in a demo for a singing competition through joy fm. if im selected in the top 10 finalist i will perform at six flags on the air on the 14th. my demo was preeeetty terrible, so either God will have a hand in things, or the competition will have to be awwweful. nevertheless, i am pumped about putting forth the effort. i recorded an original song and will find out if i made the cut monday morning (theyll announce it on the website). if i do play, please turn on your radio on the 14th.

i could go on and on, but i have to wake up in 6 hours for my last test!

deck, thanks for the link! that was a very encouraging read.

carrie, thanks : ) my favorite invented word so far is unisexy. use it!

pond, st johns job, maryville, music.

well hello again. quite a few happenings, so i feel i should jot a few memories down here while i have a moment.

first a funny story, if i didnt tell you already. starts with my sister having her second boy (liam!). her and nik were preparing to leave the hospital so i was in charge of evan for the afternoon. we went to the park. after the playground we walked around the pond watching the ducks and turtles. there were more turtles than i had ever seen at once sun bathing on a log. we sat right next to them and watched until i had the thought, "hm, i bet evan would get a kick out of seeing how they go into their shell and whatnot" soooo, i crawled up to the edge, waited for the perfect moment and snagged one. it was a glorious moment that lasted all of two seconds because the next thing i remember is being on my back underwater sinking and cursing (while holding the turtle up out of water as if it couldnt breathe under). i threw the turtle ashore and searched in blindness for the land. as i went to pull myself out i grabbed the turtle again. finally i got out but the turtle got away and i was green from head to toe from the algae or seaweed. green beard. green glasses. green clothes. ew. i started laughing and looked to evan assuming hed be laughing, but no. no, he was looking at me thinking 'crazy uncle arty...sigh' basically, my phone was ruined. so i got a new one. the end.

on the day i got my phone i also got my job at st johns. this could very well be the first step in my future. my career. ive applied for maryvilles nursing program which will start in a couple weeks and will reek havoc on my wallet. but im excited about having clear direction for once. i only hope im not missing God in some way, because i still dont feel like i know what im doing ever. but it makes me happy to think about doing nursing. i start the patient transporter position may 3rd so we shall see.

aubrey is moving soon and taking with her another piece of my heart and my musical partner. it sucks. balls. i dont know what to do with my time or music now. i really hope i can keep the positive momentum that she began with my music tho. ive grown alot as a singer and writer in the past few months...thats the silver lining i suppose...not gonna go into this on a public forum.

as far as slade and tucker, thats also a sad tale. they are pretty involved in their own lives and dont have time for the band. it is truly unfortunate because we write some fun ditties and i hope someday theyll be enjoyed by more than 3.

im off now to go watch 'the importance of being earnest' because it is ridiculous that ive never seen or read the play. have a good one and keep smiling! gotta have the bad to enjoy the good (thats what im telling myself)

2 more roadtrips, searching for work, music

over the past month its been a struggle to not feel the pressure of not having a job. ive been trying to appreciate my freetime rather than feel lazy. other than applying for jobs and looking into getting into school again, i have gone on a few more roadtrips.

i went to nashville with my mom. i was feeling distant from her and thought what better way to reconnect with someone than a trip? we had a great time and some good heart to heart talks. although i still think she is struggling with the fact that i am not the same little boy she used to take trips to nashville with. its tough on me...knowing my mom wishes i was like the old me. but what can i do? i must move forward.

i took a trip to tulsa all by myself to see dan. i saw his new house and how much improvements they had made on it. played boardgames with his fam, went sledding,went to a going away party for someone i didnt know, and drove home listening to the 7 mixed cds aubrey made for me.

last week, me and aubrey went and played at a metro stop to start preparing playing in front of people. we are sounding good and almost ready for a performance id say. carriage house on the other hand...is a slow work in progress. new songs have been hard to come by, but two im very happy with is one about a wind up bird and one about a phantom limb.

ive been racking my brain for nearly a month now, and i cant think of any position that would be better for me than greg the murse (male nurse). so ive begun looking into programs at umsl. thats all for now

into the new year.

ive spent the first few days of the new year looking back at 2009. i was pretty shocked when i looked back at how fast this year had gone by and how much i had actually done with it. i was rarely home, spent alot of time meeting new people, dancing and socializing out in public, which was never really my thing. so in that aspect, 2009 was a great year for me growing in confidence in myself.

it was a pretty fantastic year overall, the good and bad. i was in a movie with george clooney, i was a dj, i got a new car, i met a ridiculous amount of new cool people, and i started playing open mics in st louis. i experienced firsts like romantic heartbreak and getting laid off. i started a potential band. i gave blood. carrie got preggers, jolene had a baby, nobody close died, dan got a house, jessie got married, jon got engaged. i may be pretty broke, but my life is so full of great people and moments.

in 2010 i look forward to getting a place i can call my own for a short season. hopefully i will find direction, prioritize and get some things accomplished!... if not, thats okay too, its bound to be a great year either way. i would like the band to gig once or twice, i would like to get a direction career wise. i would like to finish a few short stories, but that seems unlikely at this point.

so far the new year is getting off to a hopping start and i hope it stays this way. i went on a snowboarding vacation with jessie, a friend of mine, and it was fantastic. i was shocked at how fast i picked up some of the techniques and just had a blast. i even finished the trip successfully going down an expert hill. certainly one of my new passions in life. i have also had the great fortune of spending time with aubrey. we sit in front of her fire place smoking, talking, and playing music (she plays the uke and her mom plays the clarinet). not a whole lot better in this world than music by the fire with good company.

also, just a few updates. usfidelis ended up closing their doors a week or so ago. i am currently unemployed and very excited about the possibility of living and working near st louis city. today i am applying for a few more nursing assistant jobs. i am seriously contemplating that direction right now, and want to see if i can handle it. i just want to be able to stay happy, which seems to be an interesting struggle all adults face.

finally, if you havent seen up in the air yet, and you want to try and see me (i did end up making the cut!) then keep an eye out about 3/4 of the way thru the movie when he goes to chicago (it will say chicago on the screen) to see the girl. when he is leaving chicago walking to the right in the airport i am clearly sitting in the background for about 1.5 seconds. haha

quote for the day: give me a break with your could haves and should haves -from the movie whatever works

i love life and see good days.