2014 In Review: On Nostalgia, Growing Up, Traveling, and Creating

2014. The year that felt like nothing happened, but in actuality a shit ton happened.  Or is that every year?

Starting off this year in review I'd like to discuss:

GROWING UP

In a way, I feel like I've become an adult this year.  This seems to be the theme of my recap. It's a nice feeling. A foreign feeling.  A small feeling that for the first time in my life I see the appeal of adulthood, and how ephemeral being a kid really is.  I still remember thinking the opposite as a kid.  Thinking that childhood was the only time period of any real merit or value, and that adults were simply our servants and just kind of waiting to die (I mean, I didn't have that exact thought, but that was the nature of my selfishness).

First,  I am finally starting to see the importance of trying to let go of old grudges (I think I enjoyed holding onto them a bit too much before).  The people who committed these 'offenses' aren't even the same people who offended me anymore.  Everyone is evolving, and although the majority of douches are going to continue being douches, I owe it to myself to give some people the benefit of the doubt that they are trying to improve.

I know I am trying.  This year was definitely a year of making a concentrated effort to think less like a child and more like a responsible, maybe even impressive, citizen.  Obviously, I am never going to give up my childlike ways of loving adventure and mischief (see this article in the rft which may or may not have been me:
http://blogs.riverfronttimes.com/dailyrft/2014/12/we_dont_see_nothing_wrong_with_this_altered_construction_sign.php).

However, I have tried to be less emotional in my decision making (which is kind of impossible, but I am trying OK! I'm very emotional! I CANT HELP ITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!! arrrrrrrghhhhhh).

 Ahem.

Anyways, having a steady career has done wonders for my growing up.  For my self worth, happiness, and sense of duty.  I have been learning so much over the past year and a half.  Handling the stress of the trauma/surg floor has crossed over into my life and made me better at handling all situations.  I still have a long way to go, but I'm seeing improvements.  I wish I had time to tell all of the stories...

 The good nights when I have patients cry and tell me how much they appreciate my care (my 3rd month as a nurse I won the floor award for patient recommendations, and once a family member bought me crab rangoons and I almost cried I was so happy), when I push someone to do something and they thank me (the time I had a 7'2" patient who didn't want to get out of bed, and I helped him up and he was so happy), when I get IVs in a difficult vein (that one milestone night when I put in two Ivs back to back without having to ask anyone else for help), when I call docs with suggestions and they agree with my assessments (the night I got a patient who was already septic, and I got orders for antibiotics, pain meds, and fluid bolus' all while calming his overly dramatic family down and putting in an extra IV, and then shipping him off to the ICU for closer monitoring. Oh yeah, and my second cousin was the doctor on the case), when I bring down temperatures and heart rates and blood pressures (it is such a good feeling to see the medications and the care I give actually work right before my eyes), when I get to see my patients get better and leave.  The bad nights when I have to call a MET team (or two), when my patient has to go to the ICU, when I have to ask someone else to do turn team for me because I'm too behind on meds,  when I can't seem to get any IVs in, when a patient I've been breaking my back for all night complains about something trivial that isn't in my control and I just want to scream.

Man.  Nursing was an unexpected path for me, but it has turned out to be the most rewarding decision I've ever made.  It is surprising how many good aspects of myself it is awakening and bringing to the surface (as a person who is known in some circles as being the "late one," I haven't had an absence or tardy in 5 years at Mercy). I was almost a shell of a person before nursing.  I was timid.  I was half awake much of the time.  As weird as it sounds, I think becoming a nurse has made me into a man.  Hah. That's a sentence you don't read every day!

...Aside from work, I am also trying to take better care of my body.  I am currently giving smoking cessation a go, and I joined a gym for the winter to bulk up my muscles.  I also bought my first suit, which makes me feel very adult at events like weddings.  So compared to last year, I am in a much better place both physically, emotionally, and mentally (and yes, even sartorially).

This next section will be entitled...


TRAVEL!


This year was really the first year in maybe 3 or 4 years that I am exiting the year feeling satisfied with how I spent my time.  I made the most of it.  I traveled a lot!!!! Which is something I looooonged for during nursing school.

I went to:

 1.Wisconsin, to snowboard with my dad, Spending a weekend with my dad turned out to be one of the best decisions of the year.  We are starting to bond more than ever and I actually get the feeling like he likes my company as a person and not just a son.

2. New Orleans, because I had never been.  Aubrey went with me and she showed me her old stomping grounds.  We sang music under the tree of life.  We put an X on the stone of miss levaou just like our song says.  We had po' boys.  I went on a ghost tour.  We had a drink at the oldest bar in USA (maybe?). We busked for $5! We had beignets. But the highlight was just the road trip, singing weezer songs with Aubrey and catching up on life.

3.Kansas, to visit Carrie and the boys. It's so great to see them all happy and in a good place, but holy damn. I miss them at least once a week.  The weight of my miss list is starting to make every single day a sort of nostalgic haze, going in and out of present reality and a longing for the people who make it worth being awake.   Aubrey actually pointed out to me this year (during our road trip) that I am one of the most nostalgic people she knows.  I can't decide if that's good or bad, maybe a bit of both.

4.Tennessee, to visit the Thomas's.  My mom's sister's family.  They are some of my favorite people on the planet as well.  I went to my cousin Erika's wedding.  She got hitched to a f**king awesome dude.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a harsh judge when it comes to first impressions, and this guy Jarred just won me over immediately.  Makes me pumped he is part of our family.  And it makes me happy to see my cousin happy.

 5. Oklahoma, to visit Dan.  I was able to see his new house and his new innovations in construction.  He is essentially doubling the square feet of a house he bought by turning the attic into more floor space.  He also introduced me to the Starbucks golden ticket.  I also got to feel the baby kickin' in Brie's belly just weeks before August was born.  Also, we watched this show called 'Impractical Jokers,' and while we were out at a garage sale we reenacted some of the scenes (putting our noses on strangers).

 6. Florida, for a much needed true blue vacation after the longest winter of my life.  Nothing baaaad really happened over the winter, but it was by far the loneliest I've ever felt in my whole life.  It was lonely.  And it was so fucking cold.  It was like Chicago cold.  And did I mention lonely?  Yeah, 2012/13 was the year of dating and loving being single.  2013/14 was the year of realizing I actually hate being single, and want a family.  This winter helped me to be more willing to give up my bachelor life (staying with the theme of growing up).  Anyways, Florida!  We rented a 3 story house off the beach for a week.  We just played games, went to the beach, and chilled out. I would recommend this to anyone and everyone.  I hope one day, once Dan and Jon's family's are more established and maybe if I ever get one, that we can all rent a house together for a week like that.

Another cool thing that happened in Florida.  My mom brought a video camera and recorded the whole thing.  Everyone was annoyed.  "Put down the camera!" "Don't film me!" That kind of thing.  Buuuuuut when we got home I found a video editing program and made all her clips into a 30 min movie, with songs and captions!  Thus a new passion for video editing was born.  I've been editing like crazy ever since.

7.  Illinois, to visit Mark and Megan and Aubrey.  Three of the most impressive humans I know.  I always feel a little intimidated by them all, and I think I always want to be hanging out with people that are probably too cool for me. That's my goal, anyway.

 8. And finally California, for a combined birthday adventure and Zack visit.  I really wanted to see him (I am admittedly shit when it comes to keeping in touch via phone. I need face to face).  Also, I turned 30 this october and it was a big deal so I wanted to remember it with a travel story. This decade marker hit me kinda hard emotionally/mentally.  I thought it was just the big 3.0. that was making me feel introspective and heavy, but my dad says that every decade b-day has been that way.  He said even when I turned 10 I just kept saying things to the effect of "Wow, double digits, I'm really old now."  Hahah.  But seriously.  I am. I am old now.  My whole life I've thought of anyone 30 and over is just old.  Once you hit 30 you cease relevancy.  God...does anyone else think like this?? I sure hope not.  I feel like my brain is just starting to function properly, and now more than ever I have the opportunity to become relevant. Or at least useful to society.

These tangents!

So yeah, California was quite an experience.  It was the first time I did a big travel adventure without a travel companion.  So in ways it was wonderful, and in ways it was just dreadful.  I flew into Cali and had a rough welcoming.  It's not worth getting into, but I had to deal with shady taxi cabs and then Zack was in a great deal of pain so we couldn't really go out to celebrate my b-day.

Luckily, we had a wonderful time just hanging at his apartment drinking, smoking, and playing music.  That's all I really wanted from my time with him anyway (although I did wish I could have gone to the beach). Then I rented a car and drove up highway 1 to San Fran.  Again, this was such a bittersweet experience.  It was amazing because I was able to see a city I had never seen before!  The golden gate bridge (shouldn't it be gold?), the painted ladies, Alcatraz, the redwoods, etc!  However, once again, my host was not fully available. I was staying with a friend of a friend.  I could tell she was a lovely and intensely interesting person, yet she seemed like she was miles away in her head.  She was all work.  Although, in her defense I will say she took me to this amazing restaurant called Leopold's (I think). I don't like German food usually, but this place! If you go to San Fran, go there. You're welcome.

So that was a little bit about my travels.  What else happened?

Well on the home front, after the longest winter, I decided I needed to move or find a roommate.  The very same week I made this decision, an acquaintance texted (is texted a word?) me asking if I knew of anyone in need of a roomie.  Sooooo that was very fortuitous!  Hannah came over and loved the place and she has been my room mate ever since.  I called her my roommate, but her dad says she is technically my flat mate, since we don't literally share a room.  (Speaking of 'literally,' Hannah misuses the word 'literally' more than anyone I've ever met (again, with the tangents! Argh))  It hasn't even been a year, but so far it has been great!  She has helped me learn how to live with a woman and she has helped keep me sane.  She even brought a beautiful dog named Harvey into my life.  We have had a few parties.  We had a whiskey night and a game night.  We've had some movie nights at home gossiping about our latest date fails (like the time I had a date stolen by a middle aged biking bird watcher, or the time my car died on a first date, or the time a bike cop told me to stop making out in the street) We purchased a big white board calendar to set goals for ourselves.  I put a black X on days when I don't smoke.  I put a blue X when I do sit ups that day.  At the end of the month if we reach our personal goals we go have a steak night.  Steak nights are the best!  A quality flat mate is the best!

Ah yes, artistic endeavors of 2014.

I guess we will call this small section:

CREATING

Well, I mentioned the film editing.  I also gave painting a go during the longest winter.  My first painting attempt was set by the trashcan in anger.  Luckily my good friend Peggy saw it and said she liked it so much that she wanted it, and ended up hanging it on her living room wall : D  That was very encouraging and convinced me to keep trying.

The bands both finally completed recording for their respective albums.  I expect them both to be out by 2018.  I've already moved on emotionally and mentally though.  I have another 10 songs I am ready to begin recording.  Looking forward to 2015!  We had a couple interesting gigs this year...We were paid $1000 to play a private event in the basement of Vin de Set. 3 sets over 2 hours.  It was a unique show.  Charlie even sang a song!  Very cool.  We also played an outdoor show at an Alive magazine event on Washington avenue.  A drunk guy asked to play with us.  And then there was the gig at the prestigious Sheldon concert hall.  What an honor and a treat.  The sound guy told us we could play there again anytime we wanted.

Any other great stories to remember Greg?

MISC. STORIES

The birth of NORA!!! My sister gave me my first niece.  She was born on Carrie's b-day, just 1 hour shy of being a premee. Me and Char roadtripped to go see her.

Loufest!  Holly got me a free ticket and we spent the whole weekend together sneaking flasks in our underwear and getting super drunk.  And also the black keys show when she got so drunk that she threw up on my shoe and I had to carry her back 4 blocks to the car.  Aaaaand the Arcade fire show with Aubrey, when we snuck down to the front and danced under the confetti!

Oh I want to remember that on one particular very good date, I was watching a meteor shower and I saw one that was so close I truly saw a tail of fire following behind it.  It was magical and I've never heard anyone else say they've seen that.

The year of HIMYM.  I will always associate that show with this time period of relating to Ted.

I also want to remember that one meal at Pi's pizza when we first went out with Sarah.  That was a great night.

And going over to Katie's house after Botanical Gardens (Bo Gards) for a little dance party.  Oh! And making out in the hammock. That was a much needed moment in my life.

And that night with the tornado warnings at work where we took the patients all out into the hall two times in an hour.

Obviously, Ferguson.  While there is so much to be said here, I will just leave it to a couple things I learned.  I finally understood white privilege.  I don't feel guilty, I feel thankful.  I have not recognized how fucking lucky I am to be white and male until now.  Though I do think it's extremely sad that white privilege is truly a thing.  I also realized that you can be accidentally racist, and that a lot of people I know are racist.  That there are ugly parts in beautiful people.  And that there are ugly parts in myself that I need to deal with (trying to learn not to be so reactionary when people say ignorant things...again, GREG, stop being so emotional!!!!).  This brings to mind the sage advise from Deck about the ying and the yang of people.  So effing good.

The scary night when Katelyn had a car wreck and she was shaking and crying.  And I had to leave my heavy team of patients to go cry at her bedside.

GODDAYUM.  It really pays to take a couple hours to sit and reflect.  A lot happened this year.  A lot of great stories.  A lot of great people in my life.  It goes so fast that I don't realize just how much happens in a short year.  I think the addition of a smart phone and netflix in my life has been a bit cancerous.  I am in this perpetual state of feeling that I am missing out.  That I must keep my hands busy.  That I need to be making my nights epic and noteworthy.  When after reflecting in this blog, if anything, I probably need to spend a few more nights in 2015 just sitting at home quiet and in thought.

So 2015.  My hopes for you?

 I hope that you are just as epic as 2014. I hope I keep traveling.  I hope I keep creating.  I hope I keep growing.  I hope I keep being too nostalgic.  But I hope that I spend more time appreciating the good moments and people right in front of me too.

I hope that I find someone to share those good moments with (I think this has been my hope for the last 4 years, which is discouraging, but I will not give up).  I realized the other night exactly what it is I miss about my friends.  When I had Zack and Dan and Michael and Jon (and Kelly) in my life, the reason they were so wonderful was this one important thing.  When we hung out, it didn't matter what we did. It mattered that we were together doing it.  And that's what made every night with them seem important to me.  Even sitting on the porch doing homework felt 'epic' with Dan and Jon.  Nowadays I am completely surrounded with people who only want to hang out if it's in their best interest, or if the fun factor is greatest for them.  I find this to be the most infuriating thing about life/people.  I've actually stopped hanging out with a lot of people because I feel like a 'friend accessory' to them.  I don't know if this is a symptom of modern life or just adult life or both.  I sure hope it is a modern life problem and not just a fact of life in adulthood.  Because people should still be able to make time to truly be together.

Right now, as I see it, people kind of suck.  Even the closest people in my life will not hang out with me the majority of the time because it's not advantageous.  Or they just don't want to leave the house. ...this fact of life is just disheartening.  People don't just MEET anymore.  They must PLAN first. They need that promise of some time worthy endeavor. I loooooong for friends who want to meet first and then plan.  That's when the good shit happens.

Anyways, that is my final hope.  I finally find people who just want to be in on the adventure no matter where it leads.  People who just want to be with me.  If anything 2014 has showed me that I have worth and I believe that I am worthy of love and time.  So I will keep hope alive that I will find those of like heart and mind.  2015 is the year hope does not die.  And 2014, thanks for teaching me so much.  ...I'll miss you so much : )

2013 in review :0

Today I was struck with a strong desire to do a year in review, to try and remember some of the highlights that I will inevitably forget.  When I logged on, I realized I didn't do a year in review for 2013!!! SO.  I will probably forget a great deal of the important things, but I need to try.  So here it is, 2013 in review, belated!  This is mostly for my own sake, so sorry if this reads super boring.

In 2013 I graduated nursing school.  This is most likely why I never blogged again.  Nursing school was one of the most energy draining/rewarding experiences I will ever have.  It is a marathon.  It is financially stressful.  It is a social sacrifice.  It is a bonding time.  It is a test of patience.

From nursing school, what I remember a year and a half later, and what I want to keep remembering, is the people.  Bethany, Jeff, Erin, and Lara.  Those were my 4 closest companions.  The whole crew was amazing, but these 4 were rocks who never stopped encouraging.  I don't want to forget Erin helping me with our lab presentations.  I don't want to forget Bethany's study dates at Kaldis. I don't want to forget the celebration the night before graduation with Lara!  I don't want to forget that I graduated MAGNA CUM LAUDE, even while working at Mercy and keeping 2 bands going.

And then there is passing boards.  While I want to remember this because it was a defining moment and a personal highlight of perseverance, I kind of wish I could forget the feelings of stress.  I still remember that day a year and a half later.  It took me 5 HOURS, and 265 questions to pass.

The stress didn't end there!  I jumped right into my first professional full time job (I mean, aside from that whole sales debacle).  My boss brought me into his office and said, "Do you want to keep working here after you graduate?" I said, "Yes."  He said, "Great, you've just been interviewed."

I hit the ground running.  And then immediately tripped on my own feet. And then fell flat on my face.  Working as a nurse on a trauma/surg floor is apparently extremely difficult!  After my month of training my boss told me I wasn't ready.  So he put me on the night shift.  I'll be honest I was devastated at the time.  All of my favorite people were on days.  I was one of the few people to be offered a day position right out of school.  I screwed up.

But it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  I ended up loving the night crew way more.  I ended up learning so much (time management was and is my main struggle...when 5 people need 5 different things at the same time, it's tough!) Plus, I get paid more!

...what else?

Speedboats played some big shows.  We opened for a ton of well known bands.  The biggest highlight being, we got to perform UNDER THE ARCH! It was a jack daniels sponsored event, and I ended up getting the number of the prettiest jack daniels girl (and almost had a panic attack when I saw Kelly, but that's not important anymore).  Arthur played one of the most fun shows when we performed at the Tower Grove farmers market.  That was just such a great day playing music and then grabbing brunch at Russell's with Aubs and Charlie afterwards.

With nursing school in my rear view I decided to travel a little to celebrate.  I went to NY for the first time.  In NY I met up with the Thomas's (my cousins and aunt and uncle) and we did a ton of sight seeing.  I went to the world trade center memorial, the NBC building (and SNL stage!), saw Lion King on broadway, Time's square, Macy's, and the Empire State building! We even did a little boat tour around the statue of liberty.  Then I met up with my old friend Michael Becker and he showed me around the 'hip' district. He took me to a party at the famed Jane hotel.  This was actually a miserable experience because everyone there looked down there nose at me and I just wanted to leave the whole time. But it should be noted it was a cool building, and happened to be the dock that the survivors of the Titanic were taken to.  Then I met Chelsea and she showed me her NY world.  This was amazing!  She showed me Juilliard, she took me to Alice's bakery, walked around Central Park (and saw John Lennon's memorial), magnolia bakery on bleaker, either the met or the moma i cant remember now (but i saw a jackson pollack!)  We rented bikes and went around Williamsburg.

The only sad thing that comes to mind from that year is the fact that my sister and brother in law(one of my few remaining close friends in stl) moved to KS.


I know I'm forgetting a lot, but this is all for now!