Year in review 2012

the end of the year is here again so as usual i find myself reflective of the year past, and contemplative for the year ahead.

since school is on break i have time, so let's jot down some memories and highlights from 2012:

The good: Had a childhood dream realized when Nate invited me to play hockey with him on scott trade center ice! I scored goals with kelly chase and terry yake (former blues). definitely comforted me during the nhl strike.  I joined another band (the breaks) and had a lot of fun writing songs for other people, and learning to perform as the sole lead singer.  The first show at a new venue (voce) was tons of fun, and i found myself having one of my best vocal performances yet.

        The band progressed wonderfully, even if no one really noticed but us.  We released our cd, a dream come true! It made RFT's top 50 stl releases of the year. i don't really think that's saying much, but the fact that we were recognized is at least comforting. We also played at many new venues like plush and firebird and gramophone and had the honor of playing AUCW, as Simon and Garfunkel.  I finally stopped throwing up before shows! We started recording the new album, and it is soooo fun!

        Had some lucky opportunities to see some great concerts.  i made up for a lack of quantity with super high quality.  I saw radiohead, fiona apple, and paul mccartney. i hope to take all three memories to my grave, as they were all inspiring and unforgettable. I also saw Louie CK at the fox. it was my first time experiencing the awesomeness of that building, and i was laughing the whole time, so it was pretty great!  Aaaand at the halloween party i saw nelly finally. it's only fitting since i live in st louis.

        Also, after over a year of struggling to get the government to help me pay my student loans i was finally able to open the communication channels and i will be getting around 6k that i almost didn't get. and that is HUGE.

The bad: As aforementioned, i dealt with some sickness, and with some stress at school. I had the bat debacle happen...basically a bat snuck into my house multiple times and attacked me (crawling under doors to get to me even!) I was haunted at one point! I had my first car wreck which is a terrifying experience. And obviously i'm still trying to understand Tony's passing.

The ugly: ...Kevin's mom?

Random memories i dont wanna forget: After years of trying to get over past loves, i finally got back up on the horse this year. I went on a couple dates, and had some fun. And even more importantly, so did Charlie. One of the more memorable dates for me was going to art hill and painting the basin onto a canvas at dusk.  I also had an amazingly weird float trip with char and chelsea. we climbed up a bluff off the river and came upon a bunch of creepy rusted out metal statues in the middle of the woods (one was a woman hugging a horse who had fallen on its back, while others looked like WWII bombs...i swear it!)  I also made zack's bday video, which i plan on reprising every year..

More random memories: I want to remember dancing in jessie's kitchen, practicing our justin beiber slide glide. i want to remember finding old love letters in the ceiling of dad's basement and pouring over them in the summer twilight. i want to remember kevin moving in at gma's place, adding some new energy to my living situation. and him getting me shwasted on my bday. i want to remember kevins 30th, where we had a bouncy house in the front yard, bbq and darts and beer pong in the back, jam sessions downstairs, makeout sessions in the bedroom, and limos out front.  i want to remember making 500 bucks at the singing competition at mercy hospital. and of course the euphoria of passing ATI exams, which can not really be explained or replicated.

I think i got all of the highlights.

Looking on to the next year, i find once again that what i want out of 2013 is to start working on lasting relationships. I want to reconnect with friends and family. i also want to travel. i hope to finish the album. i plan to move into my own place. i will most likely have to buy a new car.

But i just read over last years reflection and find it is still a burning desire for me to appreciate the present moment. be thankful for the people i DO have in my life. for the roof i DO have currently over my head. for the car i DO have now. for the success professionally and scholastically that i AM experiencing. I reallllly need to be more thankful and more driven to wake up each morning with purpose.  If you read this all the way through then god bless you, let's go get coffee sometime, and talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly in your life.  I love ya'll and i love life, and from the bottom of my heart i hope you love your life too.

summer on a string

as usual, i just am exploding with new happenings and i find myself with very little time to sit and write it all down. but i know im starting to forget great memories so i need to try and put some it on the ole blog, even tho i should be taking an online test, writing an email to my instructor, and eating supper right now. oh well...this very moment is just an example of my summer of hanging on by a string.

 first lets tackle the band. we sound like a real band now. when we play it feels like being in a band! and oh man...what a big feeling. we added a drummer (good buddy chris), and for our last show we somehow convinced our friend sean to make us look even cooler by playing bass for us. we played at the firebird, which is a legit venue where touring bands come, and we knocked it out of the park! a reviewer for playbackstl was there since we were opening for a touring band and she said we were a pleasant surprise and wrote a flattering paragraph on us (http://www.playbackstl.com/concert-reviews/11592-the-mynabirds--070112)!

 the show before that was a bit of a disaster though...the sound was just off the whole night and it made for awkward stage moments and frustrated stage communication with the soundguy. i'm only writing this to remember the ups and the downs....we decided to take the rest of the summer off because we want to record the second album which is exciting as hell. we think it will be called 'island of the lotus eaters' and it will be very themed with island imagery and thoughts on memory and longing.

 at work i've started a new journey that is just making me all the more excited about my future in healthcare. i am in pca (patient care associate) training, which is basically nurses aid training. it has been full time, and i am barelyyyyy hanging on to my sanity juggling a band, school, and work. but it is so worth it! i bonded with my pca class a lot. the instructor said she's never seen a class bond so quickly, and also told someone else that we are her favorite class she's ever had.

 the new job itself is making me just so happy about my current path. i am so happy i was a transporter and got to know the hospital and all it's people, but now i am happy to have a new color of scrubs and new responsibilities. i am slowly but surely starting to think maybe i can handle the role of RN.

 in my first week i had 2 very memorable patients, but im not sure how in depth i am able to go in an online setting so i should probably not tell those stories here. one of them, i will say, had ulcers and sores on almost his entire body and handled the pain with such grace and humor that i found myself holding back tears while i talked to him. pain makes everything hazy and confusing and angry, and to see this guy smile and joke through tears was just...inspiring. it's an honor to care for people like that. ...i also bathed a 600 lb gentleman, and sat in on a minor surgical procedure they did in a patients room! quite a first week.

 not too much misc. news. i had two weeks were i was having weird symptoms that kept me bed bound. since i live alone it was a scary 14 days. i had fevers, dizziness, pain in my groin that made it nearly unbearable to stand straight, a bruise like rash on my shins that hurt like someone had beaten me with a hockey stick, and a swelling ankle. all during FINALS! then like that, it just went away. i got to model for stl style again. found out my buddy dan is on tulsa's news station now as a correspondent. my nephews keep getting cuter and cooler. makes me want to have some kids.

school has been one of the most difficult things i've ever done. my life is: wake, go to work, make sure i've studied for this weeks test, write this weeks paper, prepare for this weeks medsurg clinical, plan and attend this weeks community clinical, practice guitar for a bit or go to practice, make sure the house is spotless in case there is a showing (mow lawn too), study a bit for end of semester ATI exams (3 of them), set up a meeting with financial aid lady, and with gov't lady who is suppose to help with tuition, and my clinical instructor (which unfortunately seems to be weekly events because no one else has their shit together), and if there is time i also like to eat and shower and pay bills. occasionally i have to deal with annoying things like check engine lights, but who doesn't. each day i wake at 6 and without fail i never turn off the lights until 1am at the earliest.

 i am loving all my classes though. community may not be teaching me much about my future career, but it is teaching me a lot about humanity in general. we get the opportunity to help at homeless shelters, food pantries, and charity events. it is such a good thing to serve. whenever i am at the homeless shelter i just realize how blessed i am to have a roof over head, and money to go get food any time i please. not to mention i have people in my life who love me and are happy. i could very easily find myself penniless, homeless, and alone. but i am not. and it makes life seem rural good when you think about that.

 needless to say there is not enough time for loved ones. which is frustrating because that was like my only goal for the new year.  there is no time to give the truest quality of my friendship to those i care about. i am a work horse. i am not complaining, because i really am loving the feeling of holding onto life's horns and riding it like a bull. i just know it will be so nice once i can go on vacations again and spend time with people i care about and all that. 10 more months baby.

 i will leave you with my favorite quote of the year by regina spektor. it sounds stupid until you think about it, and then it makes you want to enjoy the moment very much: "today we're younger than we're ever gonna be."

looking back, looking forward, trying to be in the moment.

we move on at break neck speed to 2012!

man, it's already februrarury. i can never adjust to the fact that every single year seems to go by even faster than the previous year. i can't believe that essentially, i spent an entire year focusing on school and work. never thought that would be me. i'm certainly not complaining, it was a great year, but i just look back and feel like so much of my time shouldve been devoted to finding and cementing lasting relationships. i watched a tv show called 'how i met your mother' and they were discussing passing the 'porch test.' whether you could see yourself hanging out on your porch with your friend when youre an old geezer. these are the people i want to gift my time to from now on. seems obvious, but for some reason in the past 4 or so years i have just been enjoying meeting new people so much that i have hopped from group to group, and none of the groups have held onto me tight enough to keep me around. (again, im so grateful for all the people ive met, but i miss relationship depth)

ramblin!

anyways. 2011 afforded me the opportunity to do alot of great things. obviously i began nursing school, got two grants, and began playing gigs with my band. another pleasant surprise was that i got the chance to roommate with my brother. i guess i should recant a bit. in terms of family i really am happy with the way i made them a priority last year. i barely had free time, and when i could make it happen i would hang out with my nephews, evan and liam, who are hands down the cutest kids ever made. sorry every other person ever born! and i've had a blast over the last year realizing how much i care for my sister and brother in law. they are definitely porch worthy.

but anyways, yeah, i was just feeling pretty trapped in my mom's basement which is NOT an ego booster, and charlie offered to let me room with him for cheap. i jumped at the chance and we ended up having 6 great months. i've been pretty fortunate to room with a great majority of the favorite people in my life. there are defintely a few others who i would like to get to live with but having had the chance to live with carrie and nik, dan and jon, zack, (tom and mom) and now char...i just am really thankful for my living situations.

me and char had a great summer. we played music, we went running and biking, we had a twilight zone night most nights, we danced while doing dishes, we drank on the stoop with the neighbors (who got me through a really rough patch of time), we danced in the rain, we made unused music videos, and we even played a little floor hockey. i miss it already.

again, i feel i should recant my first paragraph a bit. while i need a small crew for my future porch, if i was able to have a st louis sized porch, i would keep everyone i know around. i have met some of the most sincere and beautiful souls these last couple years. i don't even have time to discuss all the funny and cool people i have met in school (jeff, erica, jenny, among others) and out on the town (dozens of people come to mind, you know who you are), but one of the more interesting groups was the improve anywhere crew. we started off just imagining some funny scenarios in 2010, and it blossomed into a group that was performing at shows and galleries, modeling for websites and retail shops, and even making the news! here's a sample of the modeling i got to do, hahah, that is just so funny to me...

http://stl-style.com/_product_62179/Cherokee_People

that's all of the exciting things, but there has been a few difficult moments for sure. my grandma's dementia condition finally got to the point where we had to move her into a safer facility. it has been a very difficult transition for all involved. my mom has sacrificed most of her free time finding a new place for gma, getting her settled, taking care of her, and preparing gma's possessions for sale. the patience and unconditional love my mom has in her is inspiring. that woman never stops teaching me! ...but yeah, i moved into gma's house while we clean it up. it has been a weird experience. i keep trying to be ready to say goodbye to this house, but every time i imagine leaving for good i get teary eyed. i love change, but i fucking hate change too. i wish we could move on and just freeze places and people so we could come back and visit when we feel lost. at least we have the technology of pictures i guess. but that's almost more sad than not being able to go back. there was just so many good memories at my gma's house... man im rambly today.

another happening has been nothing short of tragic. one of my favorite people in the world had to experience the passing of her husband, tony, who was one of the strongest and kindest men i've ever had the honor of meeting. i mean this wasnt just some nice guy. this guy was the definition of man. he was strong in every sense of the word. he was a marine, a climber, a drummer, and a cancer survivor. he was a writer, an engineer, an artist, a gentle and passionate husband, and even a poodle enthusiast. he kept his dignity while facing death, which seems to be the real test of character. the guy always made you feel like a million dollars (or whatever it is now with inflation). he ended up losing the battle with GVHD. i've seen it before with my mom's best friend. i will never understand why people die young. it makes everything a little more real. everything a little more finite and temporary. a little more precious. watching a man like tony succumb to death made me realize again that i need to wake up with more purpose. i need to be the best transporter i can be. i need to be the best brother/son/friend/lover i can be. i need to be the best student i can be. i just need to focus on living right now. i need to be grateful for every breath i get the pleasure of sucking in and pushing out. i need to be grateful for every smile, kiss, and conversation i get to experience. i want to hug everyone a little tighter and dig a little deeper into their lives. i want to savor every good sip of whiskey, every rainy day, every mind blowing melody, every warm blanket on a cold night with a little more conscious appreciation.

we are so. fucking. lucky. to be alive. is there a point to it all? is God pulling strings? will i be as healthy and happy and alive tomorrow? i can't say. but i do know i am feeling it right now from my brain to my fingers and all throughout. i am just so happy to be here, and i hope i can keep making the most of the little time i get left. here's to 2012, let's hope life keeps giving me new and unexpected experiences, lets hope i can start cementing porch relationships, and lets hope i keep waking up with a purpose and a hunger for life!