looking back, looking forward, trying to be in the moment.

we move on at break neck speed to 2012!

man, it's already februrarury. i can never adjust to the fact that every single year seems to go by even faster than the previous year. i can't believe that essentially, i spent an entire year focusing on school and work. never thought that would be me. i'm certainly not complaining, it was a great year, but i just look back and feel like so much of my time shouldve been devoted to finding and cementing lasting relationships. i watched a tv show called 'how i met your mother' and they were discussing passing the 'porch test.' whether you could see yourself hanging out on your porch with your friend when youre an old geezer. these are the people i want to gift my time to from now on. seems obvious, but for some reason in the past 4 or so years i have just been enjoying meeting new people so much that i have hopped from group to group, and none of the groups have held onto me tight enough to keep me around. (again, im so grateful for all the people ive met, but i miss relationship depth)

ramblin!

anyways. 2011 afforded me the opportunity to do alot of great things. obviously i began nursing school, got two grants, and began playing gigs with my band. another pleasant surprise was that i got the chance to roommate with my brother. i guess i should recant a bit. in terms of family i really am happy with the way i made them a priority last year. i barely had free time, and when i could make it happen i would hang out with my nephews, evan and liam, who are hands down the cutest kids ever made. sorry every other person ever born! and i've had a blast over the last year realizing how much i care for my sister and brother in law. they are definitely porch worthy.

but anyways, yeah, i was just feeling pretty trapped in my mom's basement which is NOT an ego booster, and charlie offered to let me room with him for cheap. i jumped at the chance and we ended up having 6 great months. i've been pretty fortunate to room with a great majority of the favorite people in my life. there are defintely a few others who i would like to get to live with but having had the chance to live with carrie and nik, dan and jon, zack, (tom and mom) and now char...i just am really thankful for my living situations.

me and char had a great summer. we played music, we went running and biking, we had a twilight zone night most nights, we danced while doing dishes, we drank on the stoop with the neighbors (who got me through a really rough patch of time), we danced in the rain, we made unused music videos, and we even played a little floor hockey. i miss it already.

again, i feel i should recant my first paragraph a bit. while i need a small crew for my future porch, if i was able to have a st louis sized porch, i would keep everyone i know around. i have met some of the most sincere and beautiful souls these last couple years. i don't even have time to discuss all the funny and cool people i have met in school (jeff, erica, jenny, among others) and out on the town (dozens of people come to mind, you know who you are), but one of the more interesting groups was the improve anywhere crew. we started off just imagining some funny scenarios in 2010, and it blossomed into a group that was performing at shows and galleries, modeling for websites and retail shops, and even making the news! here's a sample of the modeling i got to do, hahah, that is just so funny to me...

http://stl-style.com/_product_62179/Cherokee_People

that's all of the exciting things, but there has been a few difficult moments for sure. my grandma's dementia condition finally got to the point where we had to move her into a safer facility. it has been a very difficult transition for all involved. my mom has sacrificed most of her free time finding a new place for gma, getting her settled, taking care of her, and preparing gma's possessions for sale. the patience and unconditional love my mom has in her is inspiring. that woman never stops teaching me! ...but yeah, i moved into gma's house while we clean it up. it has been a weird experience. i keep trying to be ready to say goodbye to this house, but every time i imagine leaving for good i get teary eyed. i love change, but i fucking hate change too. i wish we could move on and just freeze places and people so we could come back and visit when we feel lost. at least we have the technology of pictures i guess. but that's almost more sad than not being able to go back. there was just so many good memories at my gma's house... man im rambly today.

another happening has been nothing short of tragic. one of my favorite people in the world had to experience the passing of her husband, tony, who was one of the strongest and kindest men i've ever had the honor of meeting. i mean this wasnt just some nice guy. this guy was the definition of man. he was strong in every sense of the word. he was a marine, a climber, a drummer, and a cancer survivor. he was a writer, an engineer, an artist, a gentle and passionate husband, and even a poodle enthusiast. he kept his dignity while facing death, which seems to be the real test of character. the guy always made you feel like a million dollars (or whatever it is now with inflation). he ended up losing the battle with GVHD. i've seen it before with my mom's best friend. i will never understand why people die young. it makes everything a little more real. everything a little more finite and temporary. a little more precious. watching a man like tony succumb to death made me realize again that i need to wake up with more purpose. i need to be the best transporter i can be. i need to be the best brother/son/friend/lover i can be. i need to be the best student i can be. i just need to focus on living right now. i need to be grateful for every breath i get the pleasure of sucking in and pushing out. i need to be grateful for every smile, kiss, and conversation i get to experience. i want to hug everyone a little tighter and dig a little deeper into their lives. i want to savor every good sip of whiskey, every rainy day, every mind blowing melody, every warm blanket on a cold night with a little more conscious appreciation.

we are so. fucking. lucky. to be alive. is there a point to it all? is God pulling strings? will i be as healthy and happy and alive tomorrow? i can't say. but i do know i am feeling it right now from my brain to my fingers and all throughout. i am just so happy to be here, and i hope i can keep making the most of the little time i get left. here's to 2012, let's hope life keeps giving me new and unexpected experiences, lets hope i can start cementing porch relationships, and lets hope i keep waking up with a purpose and a hunger for life!